Single parenting after divorce: support, boundaries and self-care

Single parenting after separation is a lot – and so much of it goes unspoken.

Kate is joined by Orla Donoghue, coach and single mum, for an honest conversation about the realities of single parenting after divorce and things that help make it simpler. 

We talk about:

• How to get through the first year of being a single parent
• How to communicate with your co-parent and set boundaries 
• Why asking for help as a single parent is a sign of strength 
• Small, affordable ways to carve out time for yourself – without guilt 

This episode is for anyone navigating single parenting after divorce or separation – especially those who feel like they're carrying it all on their own. 

Meet Orla Donoghue

Orla Donoghue is a speaker, writer and coach, specialising in the realities of modern parenthood and life transitions. Drawing on her own lived experience as a single parent, she combines personal insight with practical strategies to help people navigate the emotional, social and logistical challenges of parenting alone. Orla’s work focuses on creating honest conversations, building support systems, and developing practical approaches that make both work and home life feel more sustainable.

You can get in touch with Orla through Solas Coaching website and you can listen to her podcast Single Parent Reset for more helpful advice

More divorce resources

Ready to talk through your co-parenting approach?

Book a free 15-minute consultation with an amicable expert for guidance on the legal, financial, emotional or co-parenting aspects of separation. Or explore our Separating with Children Service – a 90-minute joint session with a Co-parenting Specialist tailored to your family’s needs.

Looking for guidance on managing child-related costs?

Kate's book amicable divorce includes a dedicated chapter on managing the day-to-day costs of raising children across two homes, from child maintenance to school trips, with frameworks for reaching fair agreements that prevent ongoing conflict. Find it on Amazon today.

Want to stay organised as co-parents?

Download our free Parenting Plan template to help you and your co-parent agree on shared goals, routines and decision-making – with your children at the centre.

Try the amicable co-parenting app free for 3 months to share calendars, track expenses and communicate clearly. Open this link on your phone, install the app, create your account, select 'I have a promo code', enter PODCAST and press ‘apply’.

Got a question for a future episode?

Share your thoughts at hello@amicable.co.uk or

Sign up to hear Allison O'Brien and Kate Daly here - https://amicable.space/webinar/your-guide-to-communication-post-separation

Transcript

Kate Daly 0:05

Welcome to the Divorce Podcast, where we explore all aspects of ending relationships, separation, and parenting apart. If your marriage or partnership has ended, or you have friends and family who are separating, this podcast is for you. I'm Kate Daly, a relationship counsellor, divorce specialist, and co-founder of Amicable, the online legal service for separating couples. In each episode, we look at relationships and separation from different angles, including the emotional, legal, and social. I'm joined by experts and special guests who share their own unique stories, experience and tips with the goal of helping people end relationships in a kinder and better way. Single parenting after separation is a lot of work, and so much of it goes unspoken. Today I'm joined by Aula Donohoe, a coach and single mum who's lived it and now helps others through it. We have a really honest conversation about surviving that first year, finding ways to talk to your co-parent that actually work, creating a bit of breathing room for yourself on a tight budget, and how to let people in when you actually need some support. It's full of relatable moments and practical tips you can start using straight away. If you loved this episode, then please subscribe and rate us on your preferred listening platform. Welcome, Aula. Thank you so much for having me.

Orla Donoghue 1:34

I'm really happy to be here on the podcast today.

Kate Daly 1:36

It's lovely to see you. I'm very excited to get into the nuts and bolts of your kind of tips and techniques and how you help people. But let's start, if we may, by just sharing, if you would, your story, how you became a single parent, and what led you to the work that you do now.

Orla Donoghue 1:53

Yeah, so I became a single parent. It'll be five years in January. Um, so it would have been January 2021. And I became a single parent when me and my son Saad separated. So it was unexpected. And during that time, we were in lockdown, which, you know, at the time everyone was stuck at home, we couldn't go anywhere. And at the time I was thinking, oh, this is really challenging. But actually, on reflection, I look now look back and I think, oh my God, that was an absolute blessing in disguise. I didn't have to go into the office and explain myself. I didn't have to go to, I don't know, family weddings and explain myself. I was given months where everyone was at home to just focus on me and really start to pick up the pieces and understand, okay, my life as I thought it was going to be is now completely different. The whole script has been ripped up now. I need to rewrite it for myself. What's that going to look like? And I was given that time and space to actually do that, which was amazing. So it really helped me kind of boast myself going forward to really understand what had happened and what does it look like for me going forward. So that was kind of the first few months of it. Um so that was kind of how it went for me. And I kind of paved my way, sort of, you know, as anyone who's been through separation or divorce, you know, that kind of first year, it's quite a numbing time almost. But you know, got my way through it and then came out almost, let's say, the other side. And I was then feeling really good about things. I'd really um come to a good co-parenting relationship with my son's dad, and life was feeling like it was on track. And then, as a lot of people will know, when you become a single parent, one of the main things that people do not talk about is finances can just really be thrown up in the air and the challenges that come with that. So I then realized, well, I'm gonna have to start earning more income. So with that came me seeking out other roles that were more responsible is and more with that, more pressure. Without thinking about anything else, uh, I just thought, mummy is what I need, let's go for it. So took on roles that were a lot more pressure for me, more time in the office, and not thinking about the fact that you are now, you know, parenting alone. Yeah, not thinking about it basically. And my son at the time, he was only, he would have been about two when I started made this decision to kind of go for after like more roles. And it was, yeah. I mean, I look back now and it was such a really challenging year or two where I was trying to keep it all together, pretend to everyone that I could be an amazing parent for my son and somehow manage to do the drop-off and the pickup, but then also be an amazing employee at work and like do everything. And what the reality of this looked like was just a lot of apologies. Me apologizing to my son for being the last person to pick him up, or me apologizing at work for having to leave early. And also me then pretending to everyone like every everything's absolutely fine, don't worry about me. I've got this. We don't need to worry because that for initial year, like I've done that for initial year, and now I'm supposed to be fine, so I can't talk about this anymore. As you can imagine, burnout came pretty quick, hard and fast. So, and when that happened, I realized okay, I need to relook at what works for me, what do I want? And for me, I really wanted to have flexibility so I could be there for my son when I wanted to. Because when you're co-parenting 50-50 is my co-parenting setup, the time that you have with your child is really precious. So I didn't want to be sacrificing that time for having to, you know, be late on meetings or being stressed out or you know, rushing through bedtime so that I could log back on in the evenings. So I really had to think about what I could do. So then I was thinking, okay, well, what can I do? So I looked into a few different options and something that came out for me was life coaching. And I looked into a life coaching course and I thought, you know, this sounds like a bit like me. So I retrained as a life coach. And then once I'd in the kind of time of me retraining as a life coach, I was thinking, what can I do? What can be my niche? Because a lot of people are like, you need to niche down. And people kept saying to me, Why don't you do it about single parenting or your journeys at single parents? You've come out and you really handled it really well, you've got such a positive outlook and all of these things. And I was like, maybe. And I spoke to some other single parents just to get a bit of a research, to just kind of get an understanding. Is there a need for this? Do people need this? And oh my god, is there a need? They were all saying the exact same issues and challenges, but they were saying them as if no one else felt them, as if they've never said it before to anyone, as if it was their dirty little secret they're sharing with me. And I couldn't believe it. It was all these same things coming over and over and over. And from there, I was like, right, that's it. I'm I'm on a mission now. I want to support other single parents. It's not fair. We shouldn't be sitting at home feeling like we're so isolated, or even out in public doing public things with friends and family and still feeling like we're the only one in this setup. So, yeah, so then that's what led me to do the work that I do now, which is working with single parents. My goal is to make sure that single parents are absolutely proud of the life that they're living and feel that they are more than capable to do anything that they want because they should be, and not to be held back by their single parent status in any way.

Kate Daly 6:58

That's me. What a journey. Um, it's just so interesting what you're saying. I think we always say at Amicable that the transition from parents to co-parents is perhaps one of the most under kind of inspected areas of divorce and separation that there possibly is because everyone just assumes that you're just going to know how to do it and you're just going to be able to get on with it. And, you know, whatever you were doing before, you just sort of carry on, but you're just in two different homes. But that belies all of the struggles and the complexity that you've just kind of highlighted in your journey. And it's a really interesting space to try and unpack and explore. I particularly like this kind of thing that you said at the beginning of that, which was you'd spent a year sort of getting to grips with it and feeling like you were having your disasters and your triumphs. And after a year, it was almost everybody, perhaps even including yourself, expected you just to then right be over it. It's kind of like someone's died, you've grieved, you're over it, you carry on and you just move on. And you know yourself when there is a death in the family, it's never the same again. You don't just move on, you find a way of assimilating what's happened into your here and now. So let's unpack that a little bit because the first year is a year of firsts for single parents, isn't it? And the fact that you've done it once, what's the difference between doing it once and then actually having the time and space to reflect on how you want your life to be? How did you get to a point where you would not just worrying about having done something, but where you could actually say, Well, I might have done it and I might be coping, but what do I actually want?

Orla Donoghue 8:42

Yeah, I think it's a really good point that you have picked up on there. It's this idea of just because you've done the first year doesn't mean okay, we're fine now. And that's what I really like talking about with single parents, the idea of it can, especially when you're co-parenting, children grow. And as they grow, your co-parenting relationship will change and there'll be certain things that will come up. So what worked when they were a toddler is not going to work when they're, you know, going into secondary school. And in terms of that switch of getting through that first year to then thinking, okay, well, then the next year, how do I want this to be? It was really that acceptance piece of okay, this is my life now going forward. It wasn't like, okay, I've got through that first Christmas and now, okay, next Christmas will be fine. It's like, no, this is like that slow acceptance of every aspect of my life, how that was going to look for me. So every like one being co-parenting, how I wanted that to look going forward, not just getting through, like you said, those first few things. My work life, how did I want that to look as a single parent? My home life, how I'm running the household, because this is another thing. People don't think about this. You go from running the house, sharing the, you know, the cooking, the cleaning, or whatever. Now, maybe it's not balance, but there's another person in the household. So even thinking, how do I want to run the house? Do I want to change where I do the shop? Maybe you use soul suit at Tesco's, and now you're like, I'm gonna try Sainsbury's Ace, why not? You know, so all of these things are really, and it's and when you get to the point of accepting, oh, hang on, this is what's happening, then it's an opportunity to really think, well, how do I want to do things? And yes, it can be really daunting. There's no two ways about it, and you've got to try things and they won't work, but it's seeing it as a you know an experiment. And when you're over those raw months, then it is like, oh, let's try this, let's try that, and viewing it through that way and really accepting that there's no going back, like this this is it, like and and moving forward and thinking, okay, what if we are moving forward, this is what's happening. How can we make it the best way forward for us? And that was something that was really key for me when it came to particularly to co-parenting. That's like, okay, me and my son's dad were not together anymore. That is, I can accept that. But if we aren't going to be together anymore and we are going to be co-parenting, and that's how we're going to be co-parenting, I want to make sure it's the best version of co-parenting for my son. Because okay, the choice for me was taken away in terms of how we were going to parent in terms of in one household. But if what is my choice going forward is how I'm going to co-parent, I think that's yeah.

Kate Daly 11:03

That's super interesting. I mean, I I love what you say about it being an opportunity. It is, I can still remember the feeling of moving to, you know, having to downsize, moving to a much smaller house, but walking in and knowing that I was going to choose every aspect of that house. It's small things, you know, and it's hard, like you say, when everything's down to you, because along with that realization and that opportunity was the realization if ever I wanted a cup of tea or whenever the bins needed to go out, it was me. And there is no one to share some of those annoying tasks with. But at the same time, the opportunity is to create something that really reflects you as a person, and it is an opportunity to build and to build in a really positive way. So I really appreciate that element of what you're saying. How did you go about building a co-parenting relationship? What did you do? Did you sit down? Did you have a parenting plan? What sort of things did you and your ex do to create a sense of, right, if we're gonna co-parent, I want to make this brilliant, how did you go about that?

Orla Donoghue 12:04

That's a really good question. I'm actually thinking, how did we get to here? No, so I think one thing, which, and I know this isn't the same for everyone, but one thing for me and my co-parent, okay, we may not agree about certain things, but when it comes to our core parenting values, we are very similar, which has been very, very helpful because if you can agree on and get to the center of everything that you're doing is for your child and making sure that you agreed on that, everything else kind of feels a little bit easier. So initially at the start, we moved communication to the because my son was young. He hadn't even been poster trained. So we had to do posse training over co-parenting. We had to do moving into his big beds over co-parenting, all of these, like really in the detail of parenting, we still had to communicate. So we quickly found our rhythm in terms of like how we would communicate with each other in those early days. I think it was like it will be over WhatsApp, over clear, like the things for my son, and we would communicate about what we need to communicate about. We weren't then talking about other things, so really setting those boundaries at the start just so what we were communicating about, which is my son and his well-being, and that was it. And then in terms of frequency of communicating, I know for me in those early days, sometimes it can just feel like loads of messages coming through, and just feeling like you don't have the energy and just knowing that you don't need to respond straight away, unless it's like my son's going to hospital. And for me, it was like learning those boundaries and like getting those in place for me. And then as it's evolved, now we do in terms of trying to think how do we do it now. So, what we do is we'll have like a call, say once every say six months or so, and on that we cover the key things that will be on a parenting plan, like you know, it's how's school going, what are we doing for like key hold days this year, all of that stuff, and we'll just kind of tick through the list of all the different things. But apart from that, we just kind of run it on an ad hoc basis. But the at the core of it is we've got shared parenting values, we keep it focused on my son, and we're boundaried in what we talk about and how we communicate. And I think that's really, really important because it can get so messy sometimes. Uh thinking about your emotions, and don't get me wrong, there are times where my emotions do get spiked by something that happens, but knowing that the difference that's my emotions in relation to this, not about my son. So it's like taking those emotions out of it and responding in the way that it's appropriate for like for my co-parents to hear relevant to my son, and whatever the emotion was, taking that somewhere else, be a friend, journeying or whatever it is, and unpacking that there. And then if steps need to be taken after that, when I'm more regulated, that's fine. But just really recognizing when my innocent my when my emotions were spiked, it was not the time to take any action. Was uh something that was happening.

Kate Daly 14:40

So you say it as so casually, um, Orla, but this is kind of like proper dynamite for people listening because it's these are the things that are so hard to grasp when you're in the heat of everything. But you know, what you've just said there about setting some boundaries. We have a membership part of Amicable called Amicable Space, where we talk about boundaries all of the time because it's so important in establishing and understanding what your boundaries are, but also that issue of not reacting, so giving yourself the emotional, mental, physical space to respond rather than to react as well. They're two really massive skills, I think, when you're trying to trying to co-parent, because you're right, it's easy to get really triggered or pulled in by something somebody says, and it's very easy to feel you've got to respond or react in the moment. When actually, like you say, when you're when you're genuinely thinking about the best interests of your child, there is no reason to respond and react in the moment when you're feeling triggered. But they're real skills that you have to learn, aren't they? So, in that first 12 months, when you were finding your feet, what sort of help and support did you value in that first 12 months? What was it friends, family? What helped you?

Orla Donoghue 15:58

Yeah, I think it was being open, and this was really key. There one was the acceptance piece, accepting that this is what's happening. But the other thing was actually learning, I had to be open, I had to talk about this because I couldn't, I couldn't keep it all in. And whilst, okay, my friends and family, none of them had the experience of going through divorce or like, you know, co-parenting and stuff like that, so they couldn't actually give the tangible advice to me, which is great. The services like amicable are out there to actually not give that. What they could do is they could be a sounding board and they could be that person. So while I was just bringing myself down through speaking, then you know that would help me. So I think it was really just knowing that I could speak to others and be open about it, and also knowing when the difference between speaking about it and telling someone about it, and then just going on and on and on and on about it. So knowing the difference, because sometimes you can get caught in, and this is a learning curve, this doesn't happen overnight, but you can get really caught in the story that you're telling yourself about this is an you know another part of the story about what's happening, and let's keep on going on with this narrative, or just going actually, is this construction of this conversation? And really trying to understand like what are you saying? Is it helpful? This conversation with this friend that you're having, and helpful can be like, oh my god, I can't believe they said that. And then okay, and what are we gonna do moving forward? What isn't helpful is like then just sitting in colluding almost with your friend and um going back and forth and also being mindful of this is one thing which I find really useful. This is kind of off topic, but I think it's something that I've when it comes to co-parenting and sharing with others, sometimes it's really useful to understand for me, I know, right, I'm gonna have to co-parent with my son's lab for the rest of my days. Like he's going to, we're gonna be co-grandparents. So I have to get to a point where, well, for me, in my own personal situation, I need to get to a point where I can have him in my life, however that looks, and then not be, you know, sending me off on a spin. However, sometimes when there's breakdowns of relationships, there can be your friends and family maybe can never get to that point where they can truly understand how you are being so calm with that person and you know, allowing that person certain privileges or whatever you want to call them. But actually, it's just knowing that it's only you, the co-parents and your children in the dynamic at the moment. So really knowing that only you know best for what that looks like. Our friends and family members, they're one step removed. So sometimes they may not fully understand. And knowing the difference between, you know, getting good solid advice and then just not being able to get a grasp of it. Is that making sense what I'm saying?

Kate Daly 18:26

Yeah, total, total, you know, your friends and family can either help or hinder those conversations. And we know that always those conversations come from a place of love and well-meaning, but sometimes they land wrongly. And you're right, sometimes I even feel with my dad in particular, he holds on to a lot more stuff. Whereas because I've had to deal with my ex, then there are things you have to let go of in order to eat to be able to exist. So it is very tricky with friends and family. Sometimes they can afford to hold a grudge, I think, in a way that you, as the co-parent, you absolutely can't. And you can't afford to hold principle over the practicality when it comes to you know the children that you have together and share. So it is a really interesting line. And you're right. I think, again, I feel like you're underselling yourself a little bit, Orla. You was like saying, oh, well, you've just you learned that you've got to, you know, know the difference between a conversation that's going nowhere and a conversation that's actually quite helpful because it's cathartic in some way. That again, what a skill, you know, what a skill that is to actually be able to tell the difference between those two types of conversation. And I think the other point that you mentioned right at the beginning of that, which again, I think is such a big deal, is the acceptance piece, as you called it. This ability to say, look, this isn't what I chose, it isn't what I want, it isn't what I hoped for, isn't what I thought was going to happen. But nonetheless, this is where I am, and what shall I do about it? Such a powerful reframing of a difficult situation. But I think it's so helpful, you know, if you're in that situation where something has been decided for you to be able to take back some of that control and paint your own vision moving forward. Because, as you said, there's nothing stopping you, like creating the vision you want moving forward. It doesn't mean you accept or agree. Well, I suppose it does mean you accept, it doesn't mean you agree with what's happened. It doesn't mean you're party to it, or it doesn't even have to mean you're forgiving somebody for what they've done if you choose not to, but it does mean you're taking control of your own narrative going forward. And that to me feels like the powerful platform from which to do one of life's hardest jobs, which is co-parent your kids.

Orla Donoghue 20:51

Yeah, absolutely. And going back to actually you said about learning the skill of the convert, like which conversations are ones that are moving you forward and which ones are just really keeping you in that like toxic loop of that story you're telling yourself. Because I'm sure people might be thinking, but how do you how do you do that? So let me just share a tip on that. One thing which and it is a learning curve, and you'll learn, I mean, anyone who goes through a divorce or separation, my goal is at the learning curve and you'll come out the other side, like a completely much better version of yourself because you have to, because of everything that goes on. And one of the things that's really useful in these conversations is after you've had the conversation, just notice how you feel. Are you feeling like you're so really angry and you're so pissed off and you're all of these things, or are you feeling slightly lighter? And just start to recognize after you have conversations with people about certain things, just think, check in like how are you feeling afterwards? Are you feeling lighter for it? Why do you feel lighter? What about that conversation made you feel lighter? Were you still really annoyed? And if you're still annoyed, thinking, what did I not share there? Or what did we talk about too much? So just really start to analyze a little bit actually what happened in those conversations, and through that, then you can. Really learn what conversation is going to help you. You are the best people within your support group. Because some friends are going to be the great friends for going out in a big crazy night out, and other friends will be the ones who will sit there and have a cup of tea with you and just listen. And it will just really help you to understand, okay, what's your support group looking like and who are the ones you can go to? So just really checking in with yourself after interacting with people, thinking, how did I feel? Or how am I feeling afterwards and exploring a bit there why? And then it can help you moving forward.

Kate Daly 22:26

And what are some of the kind of survival tips then when you first start to co-parent? What do people commonly ask you most about?

Orla Donoghue 22:35

One thing which can be really hard is detaching from the idea of when a co-parent's doing something, and I I'm gonna take out of this where there's like post-separation abuse going on. So just taking that out of the conversation for now. When the co-parent's doing something and it feels like a personal attack on you, and that thinking of like, oh, they're doing that to me, and that can be really hard to get out of that way of thinking. And okay, maybe they are doing it to get at you, but the only way they can get at you is if you let them get at you, and if you respond in a way so you don't you have no control over someone else's actions or behaviors at all. What is in your control though is how you respond to them, and that you're not gonna get it right all the time. There are gonna be times where you're gonna get it absolutely wrong and you'll be killing yourself for it, but knowing that it's completely in your control how you respond to that person's actions and really knowing that. And yeah, I think that one is a really hard one to really get used to and to understand because don't forget, you're trying to co-parent with someone at one point in time, you were getting on great, and these were each other's, you know, you thought you're gonna be with that person the rest of your life. So it's it's hard then when things are happening to be able to like pick things apart and know which ones be like Christmas attacks on you and which ones are ones just for the kids, you know, all of that. Um so really getting clear on like what's in your control and what you can't control. And then I like to talk about a little bit about the and I'd love to know your take on this actually, the blurred line. So there's like what's in your control and what's not in your control, and there is when it comes to co-parenting, what's in your influence. So there are things where you can influence, say, for example, I don't know, let's think something about screen time, your kids' screen time. And okay, you cannot control what's happening in the other parents' household, and it's so hard to accept that, but you cannot control what's happening in the other parent's household. But perhaps you can influence, and what that looks like is saying to the other co-parent, I'd rather, or you know, suggesting to them what you're doing in your household and what you would like to happen there. That's you influencing. And at that point, once you've said that, you have to drop the control of it. So really understanding it's in your influence, but it's not in your control. And sometimes that can help when you're really struggling with like, oh my god, I just want to do something. Just knowing that you can have some influence, but be detached about it. Don't expect that just because you're saying uh you have the influence does not mean it's gonna be picked up by the other person.

Kate Daly 24:57

Yeah, and I think sometimes when you start co-parenting, you sometimes start quite almost a bit parallelly, don't you? Where what goes on in your house is fine, what goes in my house is fine. And over time, particularly as the kids get older, you can start to have those sort of more shared and assimilated rules, can't you? And then it can sort of be working quite nicely, and all of a sudden something happens and you realize the other parent has a completely different view on an issue, and it can sort of then feel like it's all been blasted apart again. But it's like breathing, isn't it? Sometimes you're closer together, sometimes you're further apart, sometimes you're closer together, sometimes you're further apart. And I think if you see it as a living system of cooperation rather than you reach a point where you're all agreed on the rules, I think that can be more tolerable. I think sometimes where we go wrong is where, and this often happens when you've been through a court process, if it hasn't been particularly amicable, and a judge or whoever has set out a list of rules, I think it can be very difficult then when you are literally waiting for the other person to transgress a rule to actually have a very constructive relationship. So that's why I always think keeping it out of the courts, keeping it out of very rule-driven things is good. I think I like the idea. So if if there's a, you know, if there's something that you think you're gonna maybe it needs discussing or that things are going differently in different houses, I like to invite the other person into a conversation and say, I'm just thinking about screen time. What are you doing in your house and getting them to go first sometimes is a really good way of just understanding the lie of the land, what they're doing, what they care about. Because sometimes they might not really have thought about it. And that can be quite obvious when you open up the conversation. And if you go steaming in with a, I think we need to do screen time the same in both houses, and this is how I do it, then just because this is how relationships are, that will make them bristle. Right. So rather than going in with your suggestion, I sometimes think if I've got if I want to influence, I'm gonna ask what they're thinking about something. And then I might not have to, I might not go back at that point because it might be so diametrically opposed to me, I might need to go away and think about whether it's even worth that battle if we're that far apart. So I I just think inviting that conversation and getting them, and then you can work out whether it's if it's something they haven't thought about, then then I think there are little ways you can influence and seed things. And you know, that could be sending them an article because they'll always believe what someone else says rather than what you say. You know, do you know what I mean? It's that kind of stuff. So I I quite like the idea of going about it that way if if I need to influence more subtly. We often say, you know, there are periods when you're separating, and particularly at the beginning of your co-parenting, where you might have the most sensational idea ever, but just because you said it, the other person's never going to adopt it. So again, it's just finding ways of seeding ideas that you don't have to sort of stick your name on sometimes just to make that transition a little bit more smooth.

Orla Donoghue 28:35

And I like the idea of asking them, kind of getting their point of view on it. So I think I have an example recently, well, in the last year or so, where my son was started watching TV in the mornings at the weekends, which we normally didn't do at his dad's house. I was like, why is he doing that? Like, oh, he's just being lazy. You know, I went straight to all the negative thoughts. I was just like, lazy parenting is not bothering, blah, blah, blah. All these things. I was like, hang on a second, order and I just relax here. And again, like in instantly, what I could have done was picked up the phone and like said all those thoughts to him, but like at this point, I know not to react. So then I waited until we had um a call for like I knew we had a call scheduled in the next like two or three weeks. So I was like, I'll just wait till then, I'll ask him then. And what I did was I was like, why are you watching why are you letting him watch TV in the mornings? And then he explained, and and it wasn't an accusatory way, I was like, Why are you doing it? I was just like, Oh, can you just let me know? Like, why have you started doing that? And he explained to me why, and it was so that I remember, oh, my son has started waking up earlier since he started school, so just gave him an hour. So, like, you know, I'd like to, because otherwise the day's starting like super early. So yeah. And actually, once he explained it to me, I was like, Yeah, that that makes sense. I'm I'm gonna do that myself. And now I have an hour to myself on a Saturday morning and I love it. So sometimes if you it's just understanding, we're not mind readers. We're and as much as we think we know that person in and out, we don't know them anymore as well, because we're not actually in their households anymore. We don't know how they're really running it. We can assume, but we don't know. So sometimes if you're on terms or you can ask them their opinion there and understand where they're coming from, sometimes it can help.

Kate Daly 30:05

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I think one of the other things, you know, that you've mentioned and you you've talked about one of your kind of superpowers, I I have interpreted it as being, you know, the ability to reflect and the ability to ask for help. That's quite a challenge when you're a single parent because I think there's still quite a stigma about it. There's quite a lot of kind of negativeness around single parenting. So to actually put your hand up and ask for help when you're already feeling in quite a vulnerable position and scrutinized position, it I I am absolutely clear that single parents get, you know, a hard time and are overscrutinized, whether that's school or whoever else it is. And therefore, how do you how do you get to a point where you're confident enough to you know raise your hand and say, actually, I I need a bit of help here?

Orla Donoghue 31:00

Yeah, and yeah, I can this one is one of the biggest challenges for the single parents I speak to. And I think it goes back to almost that idea where I was saying, okay, well, if I'm gonna be co-parenting, I'm gonna make it the best version of co-parenting. And you can also flick that too. If I'm gonna be parenting alone, a single parenting, I'm gonna be the best single parent. And a lot of people will think, well, the best single parent is someone who can do it themselves, someone who's hyper-independent, and we can get really stuck on like, I don't need any help, I can do this, I'm fine, absolutely fine. But actually, I like to flip the thinking as the biggest sign of strength for someone is someone who knows, actually, I need help here. Not only do they know they need help, they know where they need the help and they know how to ask for that help. That's a sign of someone who is really strong, and on top of it, it's not a sign that you failed, it's not a sign that you're not good enough for your children or anything like that. So it's really flipping it, thinking asking someone asking for help is someone who's got their stuff together because they've got it so together that they recognize I can't do that, I need someone else to do it. Can you help me? Like, that is the sign of strength. But it's that one is easier said than done. Like it's it's hard because you that narrative of like I must be able to do it, no one else is asking for this particular help. But the reason other people aren't asking it, you're comparing yourself to people who are in traditional family set-ups or there's two parent households. You're comparing something to that's not comparable. You're a one person doing the job with two people and you're run running your household. Therefore, you are going to need some help. So figure out what that help is for you and also help because a lot of the time people assume help is oh, I'll come and I'll babysit and you can go and have a big night out. Maybe what you'd rather is someone saying, Oh, I'll come and I'll actually come on Sunday morning for two hours and I'll take your kids away so you can tidy the house up. Maybe that's more helpful. Or someone saying, I'll come over on Sunday afternoon with my kids and we'll all do a big roast together, and you get to have social time with an adult and your kids get to play and it didn't cost you loads of money. So I think if really recognising when are your stressful times, what would help look like, and start asking for it.

Kate Daly 33:01

Yeah. And being clear, I think being clear on what you need is a massive deal. Like, so I can remember, you know, when I was first on my own and my friends the night out, whenever we would go out, was at my house because then I didn't have to get a babysitter because otherwise it was costing me in those days 40 quid before I'd even left the house. And then you're on a single income anyway. So if you're paying for a 40 quid on a babysitter and then you're going out for dinner, that was kind of like, well, that's not happening. So actually, it was cheaper for me, and I like cooking, so it's cheaper for me to entertain. And nobody got sort of upset that we weren't going to some swanky place, but we came to my house and I didn't have to get the babysitter, and then it was straightforward. And it's just being able to say what it is that works for you and knowing that one size doesn't fit all. I mean, somebody else might much prefer to go out and not worry about the 40 quid on the babysitter, but but whatever. And I think it's some as well, sometimes it's just the small things, isn't it? Like just it's very difficult to get a babysitter just because you want to go for a run, stuff like that. So people just being able, and that's people who are very local to you because you don't want to drag somebody who lives the other side of town over to your house for 45 minutes while you do the the park run or whatever. D. It's it's just knowing who's around you and and thinking about being realistic, as you say, about what you what it is you actually need. Right. Well, listen, in just a moment, Aula will share her top tips about how to start getting support that you need and you wouldn't want to miss these. But before that, just a note to say if this episode's given you even a bit of clarity or comfort, or just a tip that's made things feel a little bit more manageable, make sure to follow the divorce podcast on your favorite podcast app. Each week we're here with expert advice and real support to help you through your separation one step at a time. Okay, Orla. Final tip. So if there are people listening and they're feeling stuck post-divorce, what are your top three actionable steps that they can start today to get the support that they need?

Orla Donoghue 35:02

Okay, three. Okay, so one first one is that you're not alone. Loneliness and isolation is just huge for single parents, feeling like you're the only one going through what you're going through, feeling like you look at the school gates, no one else seems to be going through your situation. So it's you're not alone. And one amazing way to help you really overcome that is start looking at other single parents and connecting with other single parents. So that could be as simple as joining an online Facebook group, and you can just be lurking in the background and seeing other people sharing stories, thinking, oh, it's it's not just me. They have that problem around, I don't know, Christmas Day, what they're gonna do, or whatever it is. And so really just starting to connect with other single parents in any which way you can. So it can be yeah, like online groups or following people on Instagram, listening to podcasts like this podcast, just starting to consume it and normalizing in what you're consuming. But actually, your story is out there, and there's other people like walking that path. I think that one can be so, so helpful. So, second one is asking for help. We've touched on it there, just really taking away the idea that asking for help means you're failing or you're not good enough, or people don't want to ask you for help, or you seem vulnerable, or you're like a burden, anything negative that comes up in your head when you're saying I'm asking for help, try as much as you can to reframe it. And the best way to reframe it is ask yourself if a friend was in your situation and they came and asked for the help, what would you think and what would you do? And there you go, that's your answer right there. Of course, you would help them. You wouldn't be thinking the things that you're thinking everyone else is thinking about you. And the third one is checking in with your mindset. It's only you in your head all day long, and it's only you gonna be with you for the rest of your days. So, really, really getting to know that voice in your head is that voice in your head constantly critiquing you, constantly telling you the worst? And what are small ways you can start catching that and just saying, that's okay, we don't need to talk like that to ourselves today, and reframing it in a nicer way. Think of that voice in your head as a nurturing voice that would be almost like the voice you would use for your children. If you're so kind to your children when they make mistakes or when they fall over, why can you not do that same thing for yourself? So try as much as you can to start really recognizing that voice in your head and being your own cheerleader, starting to actually see all the good that you are doing and starting to not focus on all the negative, not ignoring it, I'm not saying it's not there, but just starting to see get the more positive things and being kinder to yourself. That may mean getting additional support, being going to like different single parent groups, but it does not need to be this way where you're constantly berating yourself. And there are tools and techniques that you can learn to help you start being kinder to yourself. Like I said, be as kind to yourself as you would to your children because you deserve it. And would you want your children to hear on laid speaker? If someone came into your house and put on loud speaker the thoughts in your head, would you want your kids to hear that? And if not, then you need to start reframing that so that you're saying nicer, kinder thoughts. You'd want your children to hear you saying to yourself.

Kate Daly 38:06

I love that. I love ending on a bit of self-compassion. It's so important whenever you're going through anything like this, isn't it? But thank you, Ola. That was amazing. Where can people find out more information about you, Aula?

Orla Donoghue 38:18

Yes, so they can find information about me on my website, it's probably the best place. So Solacecoaching.com says S-O-L-A-Scoaching.com. So I work with individuals on a one-to-one basis in coaching. And I also a huge passion of mine is for workplaces to be more supportive and inclusive for single parents. So I also work with organizations and doing well-being stuff for single parents and also looking at how they can actually systematically change so that they're more supportive of single parents. Also have a podcast and it's a single parent reset. So check out my podcast. I do solo episodes, guest episodes, and it's another place where you can start consuming material from single parents to make it feel less alone.

Kate Daly 38:57

That's fantastic. Thank you. And of course, you can find me on LinkedIn and you can hear about new podcast episodes by subscribing for updates and visiting thedivorsepodcast.com or on your favourite listening platform. And finally, don't forget, we'd love to know how we can help further. So please share your questions on divorce, separation, and co-parenting with us at hello at amicable.co.uk. Thank you very much indeed, Aula, for joining me today. It's been an absolutely delightful podcast. Thank you. And thank you, everyone, for listening.