Supporting men's mental health at work during divorce, with Halfords

Mental health at work is hard to talk about - and for men, it can feel even harder, especially when divorce or separation is part of the picture.

In this episode, Kate is joined by Mel Sterling, Senior People Leader at Halfords, to talk about men's mental health at work - what to look for, what to say and why divorce is the missing piece in most workplace wellbeing strategies.

We talk about:

• How men's mental health often shows up differently at work - and what to look out for
• Why divorce and separation are still missing from most workplace wellbeing strategies
• The simple ‘ask twice’ technique that can change a conversation
• Who to talk to at work when you're going through separation - and what to ask for
• How employers can build a culture where people feel safe to speak up

This episode is for anyone navigating divorce or separation alongside work - and for the employers, HR teams and colleagues who want to better support the men around them.

Research referenced in this episode is from Priory Group's research on men and mental health.

Meet Mel Sterling

Mel Sterling is a Senior People Leader at Halfords, with a career spent shaping how some of the UK's biggest organisations look after their people. Across roles at Halfords, Holland & Barrett and Sainsbury's, she's led work on colleague wellbeing, inclusion and culture - partnering with executive teams to build environments where people feel supported, represented and able to bring their whole selves to work. She has a track record of making wellbeing and inclusion genuinely work in practice - not just on paper.

You can get in touch with Mel and read more about her work on LinkedIn.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome to the Divorce Podcast, where we explore all aspects of ending relationships, separation, and parenting apart. If your marriage or partnership has ended, or you have friends and family who are separating, this podcast is for you. I'm Kate Daly, a relationship counsellor, divorce specialist, and co-founder of Amicable, the online legal service for separating couples. In each episode, we look at relationships and separation from different angles, including the emotional, legal, and social. I'm joined by experts and special guests who share their own unique stories, experience and tips, with the goal of helping people end relationships in a kinder and better way. In this episode, I'm joined by Mel Sterling, Senior People Leader at Halford, to talk about men's mental health at work, especially during divorce and separation. We explore why many men find it harder to open up at work, how employers and colleagues can spot when someone may be struggling, and why divorce support is so often missing from workplace well-being. Mel also shares practical advice on who to talk to at work if you're going through separation, and how workplace culture can make it easier to ask for help when it's needed most. If you loved this episode, then please subscribe and rate us on your preferred listening platform. Welcome, Mel. Thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to see you. Now, I'm really excited about this one because today we're going to talk about men's mental health at work and particularly from an employee perspective and an employer perspective. So, what organizations can do to help support men if something like divorce or separation happens, but not just divorce and separation, more generally men's mental health at work. So it's a great opportunity to go and talk a bit more about a subject we don't hear very often, and just to explore in a bit more detail as well, how something like divorce and separation impacts the male workforce and what we can do to support people when they go through an impact like divorce or a life change like divorce or separation. So let's start, if we can, by talking about some of the challenges. So, what are some of the most common mental health challenges that men face at work and how might these show up in the workplace?

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Thank you. Yeah, so I think it's worth noting as well in an organization like Halford's that we are predominantly a male workforce. And actually, some of the most common challenges that men face can be conditions like anxiety and depression. And in terms of how that shows up at work, it can differ between things like being withdrawn when typically somebody would be much more outgoing. And on the other side of that, kind of the opposite. So actually, someone that would typically be considered more of an introverted person is almost overcompensating how they feel, almost putting a mask on in the workplace. And you typically see those signs with your more immediate teams because you build such connections. Because when you're out in stores, when you're out in garages, you really get to know each other. And I think one of the biggest challenges that not just us as an organization have, but lots of organizations have is that men are less likely to speak up about the fact they may be struggling. And interestingly, a report um late 2025, and it noted that actually 40% of men would struggle to seek help because they would be embarrassed to have to admit that they may be struggling. So I think it's really interesting as an organization to really look at the initiatives that you have in place and the types of people that are either volunteering and putting their hands up to own and lead things, or the people that are receiving a service. You want to make sure that you're clear from a representation point of view that it looks reflective of your company and what you would want to see in line with some of the publicly available statistics online as well.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

I think it's really interesting what you say there, isn't it? Because it's not that there's one type of behaviour that equals ooh mental health issue. It's not somebody being withdrawn. But like you say, it's somebody behaving differently. And it feels like that's the key to spotting and offering some support. But if you're if you're a colleague of somebody in that scenario and you notice a change in someone's behaviour, what are the next steps? Because that's quite a big thing, isn't it? To it's all very well, we might notice it, but I think probably a lot of people would feel unsure about how to approach it, what to say. Because they have best intentions at heart. People don't want to make things worse for somebody. And that emotion you named earlier of embarrassment, you don't want to embarrass them and you don't want to embarrass yourself if you've got it wrong.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Absolutely. And it takes a lot of bravery and courage to do that as somebody to approach someone else. I think typically, as a colleague, it is always encouraged to be brave and to check in on somebody. I think if there's a risk that someone might feel embarrassed, it's really important to pick somewhere private, making sure that the timing is right, that you know, you're not in a particular rush to get somewhere else, because the outcome of that conversation could go many ways. And actually you might end up having quite a good conversation. There's always that kind of really good advice of ask at least twice how somebody's really doing, how is somebody really feeling? And you'll get an indication if somebody wants to open up to you or not. And it's similar principles to kind of mental health first aid training, where you would ask them to listen non-judgmentally, but then point them in the direction of further help if they don't want to speak to you. So it might be that you're aware that a colleague is close to somebody else in the team and actually encourage them to speak to them. Or there's probably a poster somewhere in your building that's signposting them to professional support or advice. And if you really are concerned and it feels like the right thing to do in that moment following a conversation, you can always let your line manager know, not necessarily to follow up, but just to make them aware to say, this is something I've noticed. I want to put it on your radar as well.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Yeah, I think just remind us that you mentioned that technique of asking twice. If you if people haven't heard of that before, it's a good general technique for anyone to take into life, isn't it? What's the theory behind that?

SPEAKER_01 7:07

So as humans, we're conditioned to, as particularly in kind of British society, to be very polite and we kind of ask the question of, you know, how are you? How are you doing? And sometimes that can be confused with a greeting, then actually do you want an honest response? So a lot of people will say, Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Are you? And typically when you're trying to get under the surface of what's going on, you can follow up that question again to go, but how are you really doing? Or change it slightly to say, but how are things at home? Or what's going on for you at work, you know, and just being a bit more specific and really demonstrating that empathy that I'm not doing this on autopilot to just say, How are you doing as a greeting? I genuinely want to hear you. Um and encourages people to open up and be truthful of how they're how they're doing.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Yeah, I really like that because I mean, we are sort of this is the divorce podcast. So we're thinking about people who might be going through divorce and separation. And I guess if you're in that work scenario, that how are you is very general. And if you do follow up with, and how are things at home, if you know somebody's going through a separation or a divorce or they're having issues with their co-parent or whatever it is, it's a really nice, easy lean in, isn't it, to opening up a conversation about what what their experience is at the moment and how it's feeling. Are there some particular issues around divorce and separation and how they make struggles more pronounced, do you think, for men particularly?

SPEAKER_01 8:49

Yeah, so I think we've touched a little bit on the fact that men don't typically reach out as much. I think we would it would be fair to say that statistically women have more of those platonic relationships where they're sharing a lot more frequently in terms of in terms of how they're doing. I think in terms of having a more holistic approach from an employer perspective is really important here because we talk about mental health quite generally. And what we often forget is that mental health is typically an outcome or a result of something else. So in this instance, it's divorce and separation. And, you know, we don't always talk about that day-to-day in our workplace. But if there's something that can be done where we find spaces to be open and have those well-being check-ins and really get into the root cause of why are you feeling anxious or upset or what's going on at home? And really trying to unpack some of the things that we can then signpost people to. So we partner with amicable, which is fantastic because it's interesting that we know statistically that about half of marriages end in divorce, as an example. But I'm not sure how many organizations place divorce and separation as a high priority area of well-being and mental health on their agenda. And being able to offer a more holistic, rounded expert support through the signposting to go actually, you can get not only financial and legal support, it's more affordable. You'll also get the emotional help along the way, and so many other things that typically for an organization, you can't niche in every cause root of what might then become a mental health concern. So having that balance really helps because everybody's different, and some men will respond better to the more practical piece initially. All we can talk about the emotional piece, the financial piece, but they all signpost and come back to the same place of ultimately getting the help you need at the right time for that individual.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

I love it when we partner with organizations like you because it's a win-win on every side, isn't it? The person who's going through this gets the help. That means they're more likely to stay in work. And work can be such a source of strength when you're going through something like a divorce or a separation. You are financially vulnerable anyway, so you absolutely don't want to be off sick or in risk and danger of losing jobs and all of that kind of stuff. But also, it's just the I hear a lot of people say it's work that's kept me going. And I know certainly from my own experience, it was like starting the business that actually kept me going. It was just something else to think about, something where you can be your better self, even if you're being your absolute worst self at home, if you just don't feel like you're being the parent you want to be or you're struggling to communicate with your partner, at least if you can go to work and be doing a good job at work, it bolsters your self-esteem. So keeping people in work, not forcing them to go and they have to go and do other things, but keeping them there and keeping them happy in work, I think is a real scaffolding point when people are going through something as kind of life-changing as a divorce and separation. So I think it's it's brilliant when businesses recognize that and recognize that actually if you the more people that you can signpost to that expert support where you have got the emotional, the financial, and the legal all in one place, then the better. But I guess I think men probably, and again, it's really hard not to gender stereotype in all this, isn't it? But I I guess a lot of men probably feel a financial pressure. So when a divorce or separation happens, you might suddenly be trying to work out how you're going to fund two homes. If your partner isn't working or doesn't earn the same amount of you, then you've suddenly got this whole idea of I've now got uh we're not all in one house anymore. We're in two separate homes, and all of a sudden everything starts to cost more money. And then I think that puts a huge financial pressure. And we know that financial stress and pressure can have a massive impact, don't we, on mental health? So, how do you support people with the sort of secondary? So you've got the emotional support if you're going through divorce and separation. So, yeah, this must be awful. What do you need from us? You know, do you need different hours? Do you need different support? But then how do you how do you help people deal with the financial pressure as well?

SPEAKER_01 13:46

So we have a fantastic reward and benefits team that have really worked hard to look at this from a broad angle. So if we think about our financial well-being offering, we do partner with an external organization that supports with not only advice around kind of your financial situation, but we can also offer colleagues an opportunity for accessing their pay as they earn. So typically you have like a monthly payday, but actually day to day or week to week, if you need to access essentially earn as you go, you're able to do that. So, particularly in situations like this where you know that you need a little bit of support sooner, we can do that. The support on the platform around what is financially viable and appropriate for your situation as well, if you ever needed access to things like loans or really good interest rates for savings, all those considerations around, well, what happens to my pension, et cetera. Like you've got all of that through um financially approved third party that that we work with, which I think is really, really beneficial. And that applies for any circumstance. It doesn't have to be divorce and separation, but it's that ease of knowing that if I needed to access my pay earlier, then I can do that. And if I need some financial advice, I can do that as well. And, you know, that literacy moving forward of actually what does my circumstance look like now, and how can I make sure that I am sustainable within that in my new life and what things are going to look like is really helpful for our colleagues as well.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

I was just thinking, as you were saying that, this idea that you've got someone who's got the pension knowledge too, because often pensions are a big part of divorce and separation and the having someone to talk to and understand your pension so that when people like us ask, what's your CETV, or what are what is the benefits of your pension, or you know, what is your retirement anywhere, you ask all these questions and people. So if they've got somewhere to go and get some of those answers and they've got that support, then that feels like that's an invaluable piece around the financial support. But I was thinking about something else you said slightly earlier when we were talking around some of the challenges and this idea that you know, men feel embarrassed to say or reach out when they struggle and they need help. So that's about culture, then, isn't it? So, what do you do at Halfords that sort of culturally helps people open up or reach out? Is that it? That you you create a culture where people can do that, or do you have to come at it from a different angle?

SPEAKER_01 16:42

I think it's multifaceted, to be honest. And I think this can often be the challenge in organizations because there isn't really a hard and fast rule, and you'll find that it's an amalgamation of things that lead to an outcome of openness and trust over a period of time and consistency. So for us, we have to make sure that from a practical support systems perspective, we're already set up. So we're really clear in terms of who our provider is for our employee assistance program. We have our mental health first aiders that are trained and represented in all parts of the business, and that we regularly advertise them in our communications throughout the whole year consistently.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

And what do they do then? So, what does a mental health first aider do? Who are they? Where are they? What are they doing in the business day to day?

SPEAKER_01 17:34

So they are trained by mental health first aid England. They are regular colleagues who have full-time or part-time jobs that work with us, but have essentially volunteered to be trained to listen to colleagues that might be struggling with their mental health and appropriately signpost them to professionals or internal processes that might support them. So the mental health first aiders at Halfords come together on a quarterly basis and we have an engagement session where we review all the kind of conversations that they've had as mental health first aiders. We keep a track of call logs so we can understand how many calls they've taken, for how long, what are the themes or any things that we need to focus on in future communications. So we can tailor what we're seeing through our colleagues and through the first aider population to go, well, we, you know, divorce and separation might be a theme for a period of time. Okay, the next comms slot around mental health, let's focus on that. And a lot of not just our mental health first aiders, but passionate colleagues around the business often open up and share their stories and we share them far and wide. So people are seeing, particularly men, seeing other men, you know, with their picture or a video, and they're sharing their story. And the responses that we get on our internet is amazing. It's, you know, wow, this is fantastic. I really needed to hear this, or I've been on a similar journey. And even as an individual that still might be on their journey of opening up, seeing that frequency of interaction and other people are safe to open up will over time encourage them to do the same as well.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yeah. And I think the other thing with that is it shows that that it's a period of time and it's not necessarily forever. I know some people suffer with chronic conditions, but for a lot of people, mental health is a passing phase and we might go in and out of it for several times in our lives, but it's it's something that you can come back from and you can build on. And I think it shapes and changes you as a person in a positive way. So I think being able to see other people's stories and seeing that here's somebody who appears very successful, looks like they're doing a good job, and they've had these struggles and overcome them, and it wasn't always as bright and shiny as everyone likes to present themselves as. But I think that's really important, isn't it? Because it's real and it makes people feel that okay, this is a temporary bit for me and I might come out the other end looking and feeling a million times, you know, more myself, which is which is the important thing.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

I think culturally as well, it's those nuggets of reminders that yes, we are here at work, but we are all human. And, you know, if you were to map out the average life cycle of any person, you know, it's gonna look similar, isn't it? And actually, if we're better prepared to have those conversations and support people, to your point earlier on, keeping people in work as much as possible and for as long as that's a positive thing to do. Or to the contrary, if they need a bit of time out of work, but that reassurance that we're here for you when you're ready to come back is super powerful to that kind of, you know, retention of people as well. People want to stay with you knowing actually, this is a great place to work. And, you know, despite all the challenges I've had in my personal life, my employer is really supportive and has had my back essentially during this tough time.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

What do you think organizations do wrong? I'm not talking about Halfords now. I mean, just generally, what do organizations do wrong when somebody's going through a divorce or separation or a mental health crisis?

SPEAKER_01 21:24

I think people panic a little bit. I think there's so much legality around making sure that you do the right thing. I think a lot of management or HR professionals worry that, you know, we need to make sure that we're doing things a particular way, that we're following a very specific process, otherwise it's gonna not end very well. And a lot of the time, the trick is quite simple in the sense of we all need to get better at listening, communication, and also, particularly in the space of the work. Of people, not everything can have an instant gratification or a reward outcome. It's very often the long-term game. So I can empathize with lots of organizations where we have targets around keeping absence low and retention high as an example. And really thinking about the full picture before setting those kind of targets and metrics to account for these things that are just inevitably going to happen in people's lives. And how you can really bring that to the forefront with the most senior people in your organization to go, generally speaking, we are going to have a successful outcome in our people area or in our well-being area, but it's not a short-term game. It's a long-term game. And we can evidence that over a period of three to five years, if we follow a particular strategy and we're consistent with it, we will see probably some better markers of success, really, such as retention, such as higher engagement scores, rather than things like absence, because we're all going to be absent at some point for some reason. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

I think that's really interesting. That point about becoming paralysed by process and that fear of just, you know, what we're talking about is being human towards each other, isn't it? And bringing our wholesales to work and having the confidence and the courage to know that it's okay to talk about ourselves and the things that are wrong and the things that we're that make us unhappy. But it feels like it's quite a scary thing to do in a lot of organisations to actually, you know, bring that whole self to work. And that's why I think we are in a situation where people do shut down, don't want to talk. And like you say, sometimes it's that overly processed approach to making sure we patten down all the legal hatches rather than remembering that this is a human being who's suffering and we just need to reach out on a human level and make that first move. I think that's it's hard when we're losing that sense. But I was also thinking, as well as you as you were talking then, it's just, you know, if there are people listening who are going through divorce and separation, not necessarily, of course, working for Hellfords, but they you were going to give them some advice about, you know, what to tell your employer, to not tell your employer who to tell, how to tell, what to tell. What do you think are the key things as an employee that you, if something like a mental health crisis is affecting you, or it's around divorce and separation, what would you say to somebody in terms of how to approach their employer?

SPEAKER_01 24:39

That's a great question. I think the first bit of advice would be don't necessarily feel pressure to tell your direct lie manager if you don't want to immediately, particularly with divorce and separation. I almost view it a little bit like the grief cycle. And it can take people different amounts of time to kind of come to terms with it and want to start communicating. So I'd always say think of a trusted person in your organization that you'd want to open up to first. And sometimes you just need that space to open and talk and not necessarily ask for a process or what the next steps should be. Actually, you just need some time to get it out in the open on the table and that somebody at work knows about it. And if you need to chat to that person at any point, they're in the know and you can go and speak to them. So that would always be my first piece of advice. I think once you've kind of done that part, I would then advise to speak to your line manager, providing you feel like you can and you have a good relationship with them and have a think about what is it that you need. And I think that's always relevant, regardless of the reason you might be struggling at the moment. And most organizations will be able to support, you know, particularly on a temporary basis whilst you're, you know, going through a difficult time, whether it's things like a flexible working request, so you're starting earlier or finishing earlier or later, vice versa, whether it's actually I'm meant to come in the office four days a week and it'd be great if I could do three days for a period of time. Or it might be that there's a particular piece of work that might be emotionally impacting you and really triggering can that someone else can I pick something else up? So it's just really thinking at that stage of what do you need and seek in the support to get it practically for you for a period of time as well.

SPEAKER_00 26:49

I guess the other thing I'm thinking as well is is there a sort of a health and safety implication? I'm thinking of Halfords in particular or jobs where there is a sort of more health and safety aspect to the work that you're doing. I know certainly with the work that we're doing, if somebody is themselves getting divorced or separated, we're trying to have a conversation with them to see how that's going to feel and if they're dealing with other people going through that scenario, how they can separate what they're going through. And so we're always trying to support in that respect. And I guess that's the way it is for us, but with you, it's a slightly different baby context. So, what are the health and safety implications of mental health and somebody going through a divorce or separation and the impact that might have on their work from that perspective?

SPEAKER_01 27:35

It's a great question because I think generally speaking, when we say health and safety, a lot of people's minds may go to physical health and safety, such as climbing a ladder, lifting, you know, all of those funny things. And all of the training you've always had. Yeah, or the manual handling. And all those things are super important. And particularly at Halford, we are massive on health and safety. And we've been on a real journey to ensure that the mental health conversation is embedded into our already kind of really well established HSE kind of framework alignment. And where we do have people approach us and, you know, go down a more formal route, it's embedded into the our risk assessments, how we capture our data and information. You know, we have safeguarding practices so we make sure that we're monitoring and tracking particular cases if they've been deemed risky. You know, I mentioned our mental health first aiders earlier, all of that kind of data and output from the core logs that they have feed into that kind of safeguarding process to review it. I think what's interesting though, by weaving the two together is you definitely have individuals that are more natural at having those really difficult conversations around empathy and the reality of what that might mean for a period of time and the shift of dynamic, not only to your performance and what you're delivering at work, but just in general, the impact of that within a team, the impact of that with a direct relationship with a line manager. It's interesting because it doesn't just affect that individual. It actually has, you know, a ripple effect to the broader people around you that I think is really important to know. But having everything embedded into risk assessments really helps from a process perspective. And I guess on the flip side of a conversation earlier of not wanting to be overly processed, I would envision that as almost shaping the conversations that you need to have and just ensuring that you're doing what you you should for people that are struggling, no matter the reason.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

Yeah. That's super interesting. And like, how do you know then? So you it I mean, it sounds like you've got some incredible kind of systems, processes, people, policies, attitudes, behaviours all happening within Halford. So it's it's a real kind of shining light for dealing with mental health at work, which is obviously why we've got you on the podcast. But how do you know you're being successful? What do you measure? And how, if I kind of walk around Halfords and talk to people, how would I know things were different here?

SPEAKER_01 30:26

I think that's a great question. There's a few markers that we measure. So at a point of time many years ago, we would have had a baseline figure to kind of understand, as an example, how many risk assessments are coming through, the kind of categories of what those risk assessments were. And we do also look at absence. So I know I mentioned absence earlier, but it is still an important marker to better understand the impact at times of what's happening. So we definitely track the amount, the impact, and we also look at the level of escalation that has been taken as a result of certain cases. If you were to walk around the building and ask people, I think generally you would be pleasantly surprised that you'd probably get honest answers. And even if those honest answers aren't always nice to hear, you know, I often have conversations with people, whether I'm out and about or in support center. And I'm like, how are you doing? And, you know, you sometimes like, yeah, I'm okay. It's like, that doesn't sound like you're okay from your tone. What's going on? And people feel like they can, no matter what your role is, how senior you are, they'll just tell you. And I think that's something that I would say about the culture here that people just keep it real. That's that's kind of the the headline.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

I that's it. That's everything, isn't it? I hope we have in a workplace where anyone can say anything to anybody in terms of how they're feeling and what they need and that kind of stuff. That is the absolute just the belief and truth, isn't it? It's the ability, as you said, to just keep it real and to to say what you need and to come up with ideas and things that will help. But I love that. I think that's absolutely wonderful. Thank you. Where can people find out more about you, Mel?

SPEAKER_01 32:17

So I am on LinkedIn, so you can search for me, uh Melissa Sterling. I often write different LinkedIn articles and you can see lots of different posts of what I'm up to at work as well on there.

SPEAKER_00 32:31

That's brilliant. Thank you. For separation and co-parenting support, please visit amicable.co.uk where you can explore lots of our tools and free resources or book a free advice consultation. And of course, you can also find me on LinkedIn and you can hear about new podcast episodes by subscribing for updates or visiting thedivorsepodcast.com, or you can find us on your favourite listening platform. Mel, it's been an absolute pleasure today. Thank you very much indeed for joining me, and thank you everybody for listening.